When Ben first messaged me, it was a series of offline messages that I neglected to save, unfortunately.  Within these, he called me "his pretty" and said that he missed me.

Riiight... So when I got a reply to the "do I know you message", it just so happened that I was heading off to cook some din din, so The Girlchild took over.  She kills me!

skullsnbows: Um... do I know you?
ben400: now we having meet ok
ben400: how was day
ben400: l am williams or ben
ben400: are you there
skullsnbows: Hello?
ben400: hi
skullsnbows: hi
ben400: so how u donni
skullsnbows: I'm Sheila, not Donni. But I'm alright. A little on the sad side though.
ben400: l am going through ur profile u looking cuite
skullsnbows: Thank you! I'm using a special ointment.
ben400: ok
ben400: that is great to hear
ben400: u looking for pretty
skullsnbows: I'm looking for my pileggi. Have you seen it?
ben400: no
ben400: pretty
skullsnbows: Yes, it is pretty.
skullsnbows: Where are you from?
ben400: were is ur location now
skullsnbows: I'm in an underground cellar. I'm afraid of trees.
ben400: my is nevanda
ben400: what
skullsnbows: What?
ben400: can u come again pretty
skullsnbows: Come where? I don't like to leave my cellar.
ben400: do u hav apic of ur
skullsnbows: My what?
ben400: ur pic
ben400: still coming up
ben400: ohhhhhhhhhhh that is so wonderful pic of my babe
ben400: u so sweet babe
ben400: u loooking good
ben400: l love u
ben400: ur name pls
skullsnbows: Maricella
ben400: that is nice name hun
ben400: ur location pretty
skullsnbows: Thanks. I was named after my Great Great Great Grandfather's hampster
ben400: lol
ben400: that was a very wonderful story to hear pretty
ben400: such a lovelly name
skullsnbows: Gracias, gracias.
skullsnbows: Would you like some beef flavored lime jello?
ben400: l do hun
skullsnbows: I gotta go, I'll be back later.
ben400: ohhhhhhhhh pretty why
skullsnbows: It's dinner time.
ben400: how long will it take u
ben400: ok pretty
skullsnbows: About half an hour
skullsnbows: Bye now.
ben400: that is great
ben400: ok
ben400: see u soon

It's Rowan's female offspring again, bringing you yet another conversation with myself and a foreigner who expects me to be his after a few sentences.  In compliance with Slightly Used Q-Tips, all names have been changed.  All spelling errors are left intact.  I had help from a friend on this one.  Enjoy!

SAP: hi

KBJ: Hi

SAP: how r u?

KBJ: Fine, yourself?

SAP: 1st of all you tell me about your self?

KJB: And why should I do that?

SAP: ok

SAP: im 1st

SAP: i m lavkesh here from punjab.

SAP: r u there?

KBJ: Yes

SAP: now u tell me.ur asl

KBJ: 16/female/ virginia

SAP: 18/m/punjab

At this point, I sent a message to JBK, telling him of the unexpected IM from SAP.  I ask JBK if he will act like my boyfriend if SAP tries to hit on me.  He happily complies.  

KBJ: ok

SAP: wat r u doing?

KJB: typing

SAP: wat typing?

KBJ: a message to you

SAP: ok

SAP: but iask about your study

KBJ: My study?

SAP: in which grad ?

KBJ: 11th

SAP: wat r u like n dislike?

KBJ: I like to yell random things from my car, throw ketchup packets over the aisles in Wal-Mart, I dislike pink and incompetence

SAP: iam the student of b.c.a

KBJ: I have no idea what that is.

SAP: bechular of computer application

KBJ: ohh

SAP: i am singer here my hobby to writing the songs in punjabi

KBJ: That's nice. Do you sing well?

SAP: it is upto the audince but i think so well

KBJ: does the audience like you?

SAP: i think yes after singing ifeel that all audience are fresh know

KBJ: that's good

KBJ: I like to sing as well

SAP: its good

SAP: where's virginia?

KBJ: in the United States

SAP: that's cool

KBJ: I guess so

SAP: are you hav bf?

KBJ: Yes

SAP: L

SAP: may i know the name of his self?

KBJ: JBK

SAP: can you believe that you break my heart?

KBJ: Why is that?

SAP: r u there?]

KBJ: yes

SAP: can i make you my "Girl friend ".

KBJ: i have a boyfriend

SAP: then what about me ?

KBJ: What about you? We just met.

SAP: only friend.

KBJ: Acquaintances

I ignore him.  Because he's annoying.  Here is JBK's conversation with him.

JBK: Are you bothering KBJ?

SAP: yes are you have any promblem?

JBK: yes

JBK: ur typing and u bothering my g/f is my problem

SAP: ok . ok if you are come to India then plz meet me then i fuck you openly.

JBK: wtf u lil indian faggot, just leave KBJ the fuck alone

SAP: u dont want to no how can i fuck you coz i have the hobby of rifals.

JBK: u need the hobby of spelling and sentence forming you dumb piece of shit

JBK: it takes u an hour just to type a reply

SAP: ok i will tell you later  know we going to kill a person bye idiot

JBK: bye u dumb piece of shit

SAP: i think you need a bullet  ok know i going to fuck ur gf

JBK: lol u wish u dumbass...just leave her the hell alone

SAP: plz dont mind we want check love betwin you and your gf .can make you my frind

JBK: no u cant u fucktard

SAP: wat?

JBK: no u cant be my friend

SAP: but why

JBK: b/c ur an idiot

SAP: now you cross your limit ok bye

JBK: haha, bye, as long as u leave combat alone

SAP: see you later ihave a work with my frnd

JBK: watever bye

SAP: ok bye my friend.

SAP: tainu is din layi paal pos ke wada kita si!!

JBK: ur not my friend, and bye

SAP: i say two words for u suck it

JBK: i say six words for u....shut the fuck up and bye

Does anyone know what the hell that sentence means?  What language is it even?  As for the codenames, ony JBK and I, KBJ, will ever know!!!  Muhahahahahaha*hack hack*hahahaha

I’ve started frequenting one of those “meetup” sites.  Of course, I get some… weird messages.  What else to do but share?

Message from user Runner, who described himself in one sentence:  “I like oysters.”

Runner:  Do you kiss?

Me:  I have two kids. You do the math.

Runner: I'm not reall good with math, but what does kissing have to do with kids? Oh, you kiss them. Would you kiss me? Do you count kisses?

Me:  Let's use baseball analogies instead of math.

--First Base- Kissing.

--Second Base- Tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex.

Therefore, since I have slid across home plate at least twice in my life (leading to the aforementioned kids) it only stands to reason that I kiss, because one can't get to home plate without first passing first base.

I rarely kiss my kids anymore. They are teenagers. It's not popular.

I would not kiss you. I don't know you.

Count kisses? Maybe in grade school. One tends to lose count after that.

Runner:  jeepers, well if you knew me could we do any of the first, second or third base stuff. Some people might go straight to a home run without the other babes. I bet you are a lovely kisser. You've got great lips. Get to know me.

Me:  Simply knowing you would not suffice. I would have to like you as well.

As for going straight to home plate - don't you know anything about baseball? Home runs don't count unless you round the bases.

I'm glad you like my lips. I am a good kisser.

If you want me to get to know you, you'll have to offer up some details beyond your kissing addiction.

Stay tuned for the next installment!!

ROWAN: Yes?

bigdickforu: how are you doing

ROWAN: Fine, thanks.

bigdickforu: thats good

bigdickforu: so you live in bluefield

ROWAN: When I'm in the state.

bigdickforu: i live in bluefield

ROWAN: Do you really?

bigdickforu: yes

ROWAN: How very novel. Ever been to Ireland?

bigdickforu: nope

bigdickforu: your very very sexy

bigdickforu: you know that lol

bigdickforu: if you don't mind me saying

ROWAN: Yes. I know.

ROWAN: I eat lots of jello. Good for the complexion.

bigdickforu:

bigdickforu: it works

bigdickforu: your a hottie

ROWAN: That's what all the girls say.

bigdickforu: nice tongue ring too lol

ROWAN: I have a tongue ring?! Holy shit - I was wondering what that was.

bigdickforu: lol

bigdickforu: i don't have any pics just cam

ROWAN: You should get a camera, then. They're handy.

bigdickforu: ok

ROWAN: Aren't you cold?

bigdickforu: no lol

ROWAN: Better be careful, your Mom might walk in.

bigdickforu: lol

bigdickforu: no

bigdickforu: i'm 21

ROWAN: The classic 21.

bigdickforu: just looking for an woman older than me to have sex with

bigdickforu: i love older woman like u lol

ROWAN:

bigdickforu: i do lol

ROWAN: So, have you had any luck with this approach before?

bigdickforu: yes but none of them where close to me

ROWAN: They were actually willing to have sex with you.

bigdickforu: yes

bigdickforu: most woman would lol

ROWAN: I guess that explains why you're messaging random women in hopes of getting
lucky.

bigdickforu: i was just chatting lol

ROWAN: Come on, you're not fooling anyone with that username.

bigdickforu: its true

bigdickforu: it is big

ROWAN: I MEANT that you don't give yourself a user name like that and expect women to
believe all you want to do is chat.

bigdickforu: yeah i understand

bigdickforu: your right sorry

bigdickforu: i'm sorry i'm a freak like that

ROWAN: Hell, I knew that when you first messaged me.

bigdickforu: lol

bigdickforu: nice pic

ROWAN: Thanks.

bigdickforu: when are you going to be in bluefield

ROWAN: Tomorrow.

bigdickforu: thats cool

bigdickforu: do you like younger men

ROWAN: Yes, especially with a nice Chianti and same fava beans.

bigdickforu: lol ok

bigdickforu: thats me

ROWAN: What is?

bigdickforu: i said what you describe was me lol

ROWAN: You're beans and wine?

bigdickforu: no

bigdickforu: lol

ROWAN: That's what I described.

bigdickforu: oklol

bigdickforu: you live alone or are you dating anybody

ROWAN: I don't live alone. I have 2 kids, a dog, 4 cats, a ferret, a snake, an oscar, a
convict, and sometimes a mouse.

bigdickforu: lol

ROWAN: I'm not dating anyone now, I'm on the computer.

bigdickforu: oh ok

bigdickforu: your a MILF

ROWAN: No, I'm Irish and Cherokee.

bigdickforu: lol i was just saying

bigdickforu: you could have viewed my cam moew

bigdickforu: more

ROWAN: I felt like a child molester. Plus, I only needed a glimpse to know what you looked
like.

bigdickforu: no your not

bigdickforu: you think i look alright

ROWAN: I think a good meal wouldn't kill you.

bigdickforu: child molester is like 15, 16

bigdickforu: i do eat

ROWAN: That's good. You should eat more.

bigdickforu: i eat alot of things

bigdickforu: i'm just a skinny guy

ROWAN: Please, do NOT say it.

bigdickforu: i wasn't lol

ROWAN: You look fine.

bigdickforu: thank you

bigdickforu: you do too

ROWAN: It's the witchcraft.

bigdickforu: no

bigdickforu: you put a spell on me lol

bigdickforu:

ROWAN: I think you just have a humiliation fetish. Besides, we only do white magic.

bigdickforu: lol oh ok

bigdickforu: so your a sexy witch uh

ROWAN: That's me.

bigdickforu: i come up and you can put any spell on me

ROWAN: Have you been getting the impression that I'm like, interested in you?

bigdickforu: not really

bigdickforu: i wish though

ROWAN: Sorry to disappoint... but honestly, you didn't have much of a chance to begin with.
I have a girlfriend.

bigdickforu: oh ok

bigdickforu: but if i did i could join both of you

bigdickforu: i would do anything you and her wanted

ROWAN: Oh my God yes... I will come get you tomorrow. I need my fence repaired and the
front porch painted, and she needs a new back windshield put in her convertible.

bigdickforu: you both let me join in lol

bigdickforu: i will be your little handy man lol

ROWAN: Oh no, you said you'd do anything we wanted. Home repairs are what we want.

ROWAN: Well, I've gotta go outside and dance around a fire naked now - gotta offer up a
sacrifice to Bast. So you have a good night, and try not to annoy too many women on the
internet.

bigdickforu: ok

bigdickforu: if you ever change your mind i'll be here

bigdickforu: witch is never
 

bikerman: Hello there ,I am a male from wv!
ROWAN: Hi! I'm a female from hell!
bikerman: lol i hear ya!!
bikerman: i seen you was on thought i would say hello!
ROWAN: Do we know each other?
bikerman: no i dont think so
ROWAN: Oh, the way you said it, I thought I must be on your list or something.
bikerman: no i just seen you on line !
ROWAN: I see.
bikerman: I live between hinton and athens
bikerman: i am 44 male !
bikerman: married male that is lol
ROWAN: Congratulations.
ROWAN: Incidentally, your profile says you are 47.
bikerman: lol just about forgot lol
bikerman: where are you?
ROWAN: In my bedroom.
ROWAN: What did you just about forget?
bikerman: cool nice to meet ya!
bikerman: about me been married! lol
ROWAN: You forgot you were married?
bikerman: just kidding!
ROWAN: Swell.
bikerman: you married? kids?
ROWAN: I'm divorced, have two teenagers.
bikerman: cool!
ROWAN: Yah.
bikerman: well nice to meet ya!
ROWAN: Likewise.
bikerman: where in wv you live if i may ask!
ROWAN: Bluefield
bikerman: cool not to far from me!
ROWAN: Not too.
bikerman: i am that way some!
ROWAN: Is that so?
bikerman: yep
bikerman: can i add ya?
ROWAN: Why?
bikerman: hell i dont know lol
bikerman: just thought i would ask! but thats ok!
ROWAN: I don't add people unless I know them fairly well. I'm paranoid, and don't like to be watched. Comes from all those years in the CIA.
bikerman: i understand!
ROWAN: Parle vouz Francais?
bikerman: do what??
ROWAN: Okay, I guess not.
bikerman: ok
ROWAN: So what made you want to talk to me?
bikerman: well i seen you on line
bikerman: and your a female lol
ROWAN: I am? Oh yeah... I forgot.
bikerman: lol i hear ya!
ROWAN: You have good hearing!
bikerman: well i have to go nice talking to ya! hope to talk to ya again!
ROWAN: Highly doubtful, I'm having my tongue split.
bikerman: ok cool!
 

rowan (9:40:53 PM): Hey there
sadstory (9:41:01 PM): i am 24/m/uk
sadstory (9:41:01 PM): u?
rowan (9:41:23 PM): I have a nice tongue, how's that work?
sadstory (9:41:35 PM): i saw it
rowan (9:41:55 PM): You like huh?
sadstory (9:42:11 PM): ya
rowan (9:43:48 PM): I like it too..
sadstory (9:43:53 PM): cool
sadstory (9:43:56 PM): do u have cam?
rowan (9:44:13 PM): No I don't, in fact. Cuteguyyy asked me the same question.
sadstory (9:44:48 PM): u have another pics
rowan (9:45:08 PM): I have a cucumbers
sadstory (9:45:28 PM): can i see it
rowan (9:45:46 PM): My cucumbers?
sadstory (9:45:50 PM): ya
rowan (9:45:53 PM): I have a pool tables too! Wanna see them?
sadstory (9:46:18 PM): ya
sadstory (9:46:19 PM): lol
rowan (9:46:27 PM): Think it's funny do you?
sadstory (9:46:36 PM): no
rowan (9:46:40 PM): I can't show either. I have no way to. That's why I have that little animation girl there
rowan (9:46:47 PM): That's as close to the real life me.
sadstory (9:46:51 PM): ok
rowan (9:47:05 PM): 5 out of 4 people ask me that question. Those same people don't know how to count.
sadstory (9:47:26 PM): ya
sadstory (9:47:27 PM): may be
rowan (9:47:55 PM): Some don't know how to put words together correctly either.
sadstory (9:48:06 PM): ya
rowan (9:56:58 PM): I've seen your picture on the Yahoo Personals bar. You must be rich or something to have your own banner.

FYI:  This guy's profile picture was the picture of the man in the Yahoo Personals ads.  What a lameo.

sadstory (9:57:11 PM): no i am not rich
rowan (9:57:57 PM): Sorry, should not have judged the book by it's cover. How nice it must be to have your picture on yahoo's banners

dcw (8:38:05 PM): Hi
rowan (8:38:22 PM): Hello.
dcw (8:38:34 PM): How are you?
rowan (8:39:02 PM): Mediocre. How are you?
dcw (8:41:38 PM): OK
dcw (8:41:46 PM): How was your day?
rowan (8:42:39 PM): Dehumanizing. How was yours?
dcw (8:43:26 PM): Not bad
dcw (8:43:38 PM): Got any other pic's?

Hold on.  I said my day was dehumanizing, and he just goes on to ask for more pics?  He probably doesn't even know the definition of dehumanizing. 

rowan (8:44:01 PM): Something wrong with the one that's there?
dcw (8:44:18 PM):
rowan (8:45:17 PM): If you have to think about it, then the answer must be yes.
dcw (8:46:29 PM): It is animated
rowan (8:47:02 PM): Ever thought about looking at my profile?
dcw (8:48:21 PM): I have
dcw (8:48:23 PM): Sexy
rowan (8:48:41 PM): My profile is sexy?
dcw (8:49:09 PM): Your PIC IS!
rowan (8:49:18 PM): I wasn't trying to be sexy.
dcw (8:49:32 PM):
dcw (8:54:06 PM):

I was going to start ignoring him here, because I had better things to do, but The Boychild took over to annoy dcw further.

rowan (9:15:17 PM): Sexy, huh?
dcw (9:15:25 PM): yesssssssssssssss
dcw (9:15:26 PM): yesssssssssssssss
dcw (9:15:27 PM): yesssssssssssssss

Captain, man overboard.

rowan (9:15:34 PM): You like sexy?
dcw (9:15:59 PM): YES
rowan (9:16:37 PM): You sure you are looking at the right message window?
dcw (9:16:58 PM): The pic on your profile is HOT!
rowan (9:17:33 PM): Don't know if it's just me, but I seem to find that when typing a sentence, I capitalize only what needs to be.
dcw (9:18:00 PM):
rowan (9:18:42 PM): Need to shave? Or just thinking too hard? Be careful. Don't want you to spill your brains over a simple statement.
dcw (9:19:01 PM):
rowan (9:19:14 PM): Stop? As in.. No more talking?
rowan (9:19:25 PM): Are you cutting me off?? Cause I like ham!
rowan (9:19:47 PM): Hairy ham, now that's sexy.
rowan (9:22:13 PM): Since you are indeed cutting me off, I would like to state yet another simple thing. Sending multiple messages that relate to being called sexy is rather amusing at first. Even accepted as something of enjoyment. But whenever you send the messages constantly.. Sorry, trying to calm down. But this darn pimple on my forehead is throbbing out of control. I suggest you slow your roll. And eat it.
rowan (9:32:05 PM): That's also kind of like that Weird Al song. Just eat it. You know? He talks about ham. He says, "Ham on.. Ham on. Ham on whole wheat." He's one of my many role models. Alright. So like I say. If you're going somewhere. You had better be running. Cause you never know what you are going to get. Unless you look underneath the box.
rowan (10:13:35 PM): Why did you stop talking to me? Is it because I have 12 toes?
rowan (10:14:35 PM): Are you ignoring me?
rowan (10:14:40 PM): If you are ignoring me, press 12.
rowan (10:14:42 PM): For my toes.